standard This Breakup Burn Might Leave a Scar

3551469823_00afa15009_mThe following list has been making the rounds of the Internet, but just in case you missed it, take a few minutes to read the reasons (allegedly) a disgruntled girlfriend dropped her beau like a hot weasel. No word yet on whether the target of this crushing missive is presently writhing in a pile of smoldering shame or wondering what kind of woman doesn’t like Snow Dogs?

“Why I’m dumping You” in all its original glory:

  • You think Predator 2 was better than the original.
  • It’s not Cousint, it’s Cousin.
  • You referred to your cockatoo as your baby.
  • The airbrushed clothing.
  • You eat your cereal with water instead of milk.
  • You can name all of the dudes in One Direction.
  • You have one-too-many posters of Michael Phelps in a Speedo.
  • You used air quotes when you talked about the moon landing.
  • Snow Dogs is your favorite movie.
  • You insist on calling the President Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
  • Must you tell every single person about that time you were visited by aliens?
  • You kiss your entire family on the mouth.
  • Your Taz tattoo.
  • Vegans do not eat bacon, dumbass.
  • You wore sweatpants to my grandma’s funeral – and, no, it doesn’t matter that they were black.
  • Your AOL email address.
  • Two words: Leather Pants.
  • Your favorite actor is Kirk Cameron.
  • You’ve used the phrase, “Jay Leno said the funniest thing…”
  • You told me, “Put on something sexy, we’re going to Red Lobster.”

If you happen to spot yourself somewhere on this list, Jake Swank suggests you don’t worry too much. After all, it’s just one person’s opinion, and she was apparently pretty outraged at the time. Not EVERYONE has migrated from AOL yet. Rumor has it there are still a few senior citizens in Romania who haven’t made the switch. (Top image: Flickr | Ollie Crafoord)

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The Jake Swank Team