standard 3 Swanky Things to Do in 2013

3004026792_e10cdc21edWell, we’re almost halfway through the year, which means it’s time to take a look back and assess your Swanky Quotient (SQ). Have you done anything exceptionally swanky this year? Jake Swank is proud to report that he went to Necker Island and partied with billionaire Richard Branson. That’s pretty swanky, right? But if you’re feeling like a loathsome toad because your life is so boring, we’re here with three specific suggestions for activities that are swanky enough to make your friends gasp out loud.

Hire four sledgehammer-swinging men to destroy your $420,000 Maserati: This one is too awesome for words but we’re going to give it a try anyway. What do you do when you spend nearly half a million dollars on a supercharged Italian sportscar and receive poor customer service? Obviously, you pay four healthy men to demolish it with sledgehammers (see the video here) at the opening of a high-brow auto show and then drape a banner on it with a special message for the manufacturer. Will it have the same effect if you do this with your fifteen-year old Taurus? Probably not, but sometimes destruction in the name of protest is a wondrous sight to behold.

Buy a condo in an abandoned World War II Missiles Silo: Does your condo extend 174 feet underground, come with nine feet thick concrete walls, and boast these amenities?

  • Indoor farm
  • Pool
  • Movie theater
  • Medical center
  • School
  • 5 year supply of emergency dry goods

How much will this so-called “Doomsday Condo” set you back? Only about $7 million dollars. Ride out the coming zombie apocalypse in underground splendor in the midst of a Kansas prairie. Laugh all you want but these people will still be swanky while your brains are being devoured by hordes of the undead.

Install an ATM in your kitchen: This isn’t as weird as it sounds. Okay, maybe it is but you wouldn’t be the first person to opt for this particular solution to the problem of a late-night munchies run to your favorite burger joint that only accepts cash. You know the feeling. ATM’s everywhere, like flies, until you actually need one, then, shazam, they disappear. Pro basketball star Deshawn Stevenson, who has pulled in a cool $26 million in return for his particular talents (through 2010) installed an ATM in his kitchen. Reportedly, he refills it about six times a year at $20,000 a pop. Here’s the kicker – he charges his friends and family a $4.50 transaction fee to use it.

Do these three things this year and you, my friend, will be swanky indeed. (Top image: Flickr | Modern Relics)

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