Sometimes you stumble across a blog so perfect that it needs nothing else added to it. The following is not that blog, though it is pretty darn good. This one needs a warning included. The problem with it is that too many guys will read it and laugh, certain in their mind they would never make such a hideous dating error, then turn around and do something equally stupid when it comes time to ask a girl out next Saturday night. The following comes to us via the auspices of JordanHarbinger.com, detailing three solid candidates for “Stupid Dating Dude of the Year.”
Read it and learn.
1. Put up posters of the girl you like all over campus
The Move: Mistakenly thinking that student government was actually cool, our first poor bastard recruited his friends to hang over a hundred posters of the girl he fancied.
The Fallout: Upon her arrival to campus that morning, she was horrified to see practically the entire student body laughing at both her and her admirer. Leaving school early (and, no doubt, debating whether to transfer altogether), she not only didn’t accept his invitation, but most likely still has him blocked on Facebook so he can’t show up at her work.
2. Create a fake crime scene outside her house
The Move: Our second moron thought puns were so amazing that they could only be improved by adding a visual element, preferably with a dash of shock and awe thrown in for good measure. Thus, he got a hold of some police caution tape and draped it all over her front porch, the sidewalk and the yard. He then created a chalk outline of a dead body on her walkway and placed a sign next to it that read: “I’m dying to take you out on Friday.”
The Fallout: The girl and her parents thought this was potentially a veiled threat of suicide and called the police, the boy’s parents, and school administration. He was simultaneously suspended from school, taken into custody for a psychological evaluation and placed under house arrest/suicide watch by his family. No word on whether he got any that Friday. Your guess is as good as ours.
3. Surprise her someplace she said she’d be with a gift
The Move: Our third and final misguided soul ambushed a friend of mine (we’ll call her Stephanie) with the following symphonic blend of poor taste, supplication, lack of attention to detail and stalkerish-ness. After they met briefly at a party, Stephanie had to leave and go pack for an early flight in the morning. Unfortunately, she’d made the mistake of mentioning where she was headed (see where I’m going with this?) and at what time. This dim dude decided it’d be a good move to show up at the airport before her flight with a bag of fruit.
The Fallout: Her reaction, as one can only imagine, must have been priceless. A fluidly evolving spectrum of surprise and disbelief, followed closely by fear and, finally, pity. Not only is it creepy to show up at the airport at dawn, not only is it frightening that he remembered where she was going and looked up which flight and airline so he could find the terminal, and not only is it even more obscene that he thought she would actually enjoy this gesture…but she fricking hates fruit. Smoooooth.
Hopefully, this modest warning from your friends at Swank Life reaches you in time to avert a similar catastrophe. Believe us, guys, these are the sort of dating fiascos that a dude never recovers from. The kind that send him to the Internet in search of the nearest monastery or out to a small shack in Wyoming to build mail bombs the rest of his life.
The sad part of these three epic dating fails is that they could have easily been avoided. You have at least one good friend you can trust, right? If you suspect that there is even a molecule's width of a chance that a “creative” ask-out you're planning will ultimately make it's way to a list like this – run it by him first. Even better, run it by a girl you can trust not to blab it all over creation and see what her reaction is.
Sometimes it just doesn't get any better than a plain, old-fashioned telephone call (if you want to make it more difficult for her to refuse); try an email or text if you prefer to give her an out. If the thought of spending an evening with you activates her stomach bile, you can both pretend the ask-out never happened.
Have we made ourselves clear? Don't get too creative in asking her out on a date. In fact, don't be creative at all unless you're darn sure it really is creative.
The Swank Life Team
(Flickr / Eric Kilby)