standard SL 45 – Swank Life with Peter Andrew Sacco

 

Peter Andrew Sacco talks with Jake Swank about his book Why Women Want What They Can’t Have & Men Want What They Had After It’s Gone! And the key things about relationships that people should know.

 

Key Takeaways
02:28 – Women want people who will listen to what they’re saying and not just hear what they’re saying. And whatever you are putting out, is going to attracting the same type of person you might not want.
04:00 – Men and Women, more so with women, both have pressure from society to be in a relationship, cause that’s the only way to be attractive, acceptable, and happy in life, and they go on thinking like this in every relationship they have.
05:58 – Funny thing with people is, if you explain to them that your focus is on a career then they don’t think there’s anything wrong with you not being in a relationship.
08:05 – You’ve got to be happy with yourself and love yourself to succeed in a relationship.
10:06 – Women know what they feel a lot faster than men, and if men wait too long to show that they are serious then women will often move on.
12:50 – Treat you partner as your best friend, cause that not only shows you trust them, but also you appreciate them.
14:37 – People often don’t go with their gut, and over-think how they should be in relationship based on failed relationships.
15:54 – Website is petersacco.com/ where you might find free eBooks one of which, is Technological Rage an online dating book. For closing thought is honest with yourself and others who are in your life.
Mentioned in this episode
Why Women Want What They Can’t Have & Men Want What They Had After It’s Gone! By Peter Andrew Sacco

 

Tweetables
Live in the present. Whomever you’re dating. Don’t compare them to the past.
All you have is the present, and the present is a gift, if you’re with somebody, they wanna spend time with you.
If you wanna be authentic and real, take your real self with you.

Jake Swank:
Hey guys, welcome to the Swank Life show. Where we talk about: dating, entertainment, and lifestyle. This is your host Jake Swank and we’ve got a great show for you today. Be sure to visit the website at www.swanklife.com take advantage of our blog, our special offers. We’ve got all kinds great stuff for you there, to enhance your lifestyle in many many ways. So www.swanklife.com go check it out.
Hey guys, it’s my pleasure to welcome Peter Andrew Sacco to the show. He is the author of many books including the one we’re going to focus on today, which is Why Women Want What They Can’t Have & Men Want What They Had After It’s Gone! [Laughs] Those are pretty true, Peter. Hey, welcome. Where are you located?

Peter Andrew Sacco:
I am located in Niagara Falls, Canada. One of the most beautiful places in the world, and it’s pretty swanky here today. After a show storm. [Laughs]

Jake:
Yeah, it is beautiful. No question about it. I gotta get back up there. Haven’t been there since I was a kid. Well, hey! Come on. This isn’t exactly a surprise, right? The double title you have on this book. Doesn’t everybody want what they can’t have?

Peter:
Absolutely, everybody wants what they can’t have. Unfortunately too many people are looking for or living for the wrong things, and I came up with this title. Was actually given to me by not only one woman but several women. Who were friends of mine’s colleagues psychologist that said, “You know what, Pete? At the end of every day women want what they can’t have.” and I said, “Well, what is that?” And I developed the book based on it, which is basically women want a good communicator. Women want somebody that’s more like them. A male version of their female best friends, and that’s what the basics of the book is really.

Jake:
That’s kind of an interesting question. I mean women they don’t want a guy who like their girlfriends, that’s a really good communicator. They kind of say this stuff, but I don’t know. I don’t think. I don’t find them to be very attracted to those traits. They consider them to be too feminine, I think.

Peter:
Well, you know what the trait, that they’re really looking for most, Jake? Is they want a guy that’s going to empathize, and really listen to what they’re saying, and not hear what I am saying, but rather listen to what I am saying. And there’s absolutely a lot to it, because if you look at the amount of situations where women get into dysfunctional relationships repeatedly, as well as guys, it works both ways. That there’s patterns and the problem is. If we settle in our relationships, or what we look for in a relationship, and lot of it is based on our own expectations, words like. Hey! I’ve always picked not very good communicators, or we pick the dichotomy, the flip side of it, and I’ve done a lot of work with this. Is battered spouse syndrome. Women who were abused and battered by their mates, and even guys who were abused by women, and the same thing they will say over, over and over, Jake, is that, “You know what? I keep attracting the same type of person.” and I always ask them, “Well, what is the consistency with that?” or “What is the constant?” It’s you! And so what are you putting out there? That’s attracting the same thing, and it’s your expectations.

Jake:
Yeah, no question about it. Okay, I want to get to the second part of your title, also. So, let’s not forget that. But how can we overcome this. How can we overcome ourselves. How can we deal with this problem? Because it applies to guys too. We repeat patterns. We want what we can’t have, et cetera, right? Is it the same either way with men and women?

Peter:
Oh absolutely! Jake. It’s definitely the same for both. But I think more so, women have a little more pressure and that’s part of the “quote unquote” American dream. North American dream, and even a world dream. That in-order to be a loveable, attractive, acceptable woman in society. You must be in a relationship, and women are grain feed this, in soap operas, romance novels, the whole nine yards, and a lot of times, unfortunately, women want to proceed their inner beauty, and as well as their outer beauty by being in a relationship. So, they believe, “Hey if I’m not in a relationship, or I get dumped, or he’s a cheater, or something bad has happened. That musts make me unattractive.” There for. Here’s where the problem starts, Jake, and it’s both for men and women. First of all they don’t grieve or resolve the issues of the last relationship, and they feel the need to be in another one immediately, and that takes away some of the pain, but also gives them a sense of acceptance. Secondly a lot of them take the same pattern behaviors that they had from the previous one, into the new one. So, you’re bring dysfunctional baggage, and I think the third thing is. Is when it boils down to it, Jake, it basically a lava attraction thing. Thoughts become things. What you’re thinking about and focusing on most. Is what you’re going to bring into your life, and with that set. A lot of people don’t really have clear cut pattern on who exactly is it they want, and they don’t list a quantifiable traits in their potential mates.

Jake:
That’s a very interesting explanation, and I think it’s very accurate. You talk, rightly so, about that societal pressure, Peter. Of women to be found attractive by society, per say, they need to be in a relationship, really? So, single women don’t have that advantage. And then what about guys? How does the world proceeded guys that aren’t in a relationship? George Clooney just got married and wasn’t he sort of the last remaining, sort of major bachelor? [Laughs]

Peter:
You know what it is, Jake? And it’s kind of funny, because I’ve been a bachelor a long time myself and it’s kind of funny. People will look at you and they’ll go, “What’s wrong with ya. Are you too picky? Are you a womanizer?”

Jake:
Or “Are you really smart?” [Laughs] I just had to throw that one in.

Peter:
[Laughs] Yeah! And you know what, Jake? I’s kind of funny, cause I was a university for ten years and it’s really funny. Is that I never really got- I was in university I had a serious relationship for about three and a half years, but it wasn’t until I had graduated, nearly graduated with my PHD, that I would meet the woman that I would be with for about eight and a half years we would be together, see each other and all that stuff. And it was really funny, cause people would go, “What took so long?” or “Why did you? You were noncommittal? You needed to sow your oats before you could get into a relationship?” and it’s like, “No! I was actually in university. I was not going to be fair, because any partner I had for all things of purposes would basically be my mistress. Because first and foremost was my career and my focus. And then when you explain it that way, Jake. The funny part is that, they go, “Oh! Okay. Now I get it.” It’s funny as you put it. If you’re “quote unquote” the smart professional person, then people will say, “Okay I get that. You don’t really need to be in a relationship because it’s not necessity for you. Rather it’s a desire or a wish.” And I think this is what today’s women and today’s men are more ready available to them, and are accepted in that position. Because more women are career women, which is really good!

Jake:
Yeah interesting. How do we deal with this problem? Certainly a lot of guys, and I’m sure a lot of women too. Feel like their great. They have a lot to offer, and they’re an eligible good catch, if you will. And then, I’ve certainly seen it enough times. A woman I’m attracted to, is out there, and I’m thinking, “What does she doing with that loser. She could have me!” [Laughs] Is that really just way too arrogant? But what do we do to deal with this problem?

Peter:
[Laughs] I think the very first thing, Jake. Is that if you want to succeed in any relationship, or have one, or establish one. You got to first have. Be happy with yourself, and when I say happy with yourself, it totally love yourself. People think, “Well, if you love yourself. You’re arrogant. You’re overconfident. You’re cocky.” Absolutely not! When you love yourself. You’re not cocky and you’re not arrogant, because you’ve accept yourself. You’ve accept your limitations, and you don’t view yourself as having flaws or mistakes, as well as, “Gee, I’m not pretty enough. I’m not handsome enough. I’m not smart enough.” Everybody on the face on this earth is a good complete person. Everybody has awesome qualities, and I really do believe we’re all equal, but when it comes to relationships. Where you have to look at it. Is sometimes we attract the wrong people, or we’re not right for certain people, and we need to find ones that match with us. In terms of our interests. In terms of what our belief system, our morals, and at the end of the day, our short and long term goals.

Jake:
No question. Do you want to switch gears to the next title? This is sort of a double title book, or is there more you want to say about this, Peter? Because maybe I haven’t ask all the questions.

Peter:
No, I’m good.

Jake:
Okay, Here’s another thing we deal with, and I am thinking that this is more of male problem than it is a female problem. The second title of your book is Men Want What They Had past tense, After It’s Gone, and there’s no shortage of guys, myself included. Who have ended relationships, or let them end. Either passively or overtly, and then you want that girl back. Are women like that? Or is that more of a male thing, I think?

Peter:
That’s a really interesting question. When I wrote the book, a lot of the research and the statistics that I gather from doing interviews. As well as taking really good materials from authors who would wrote about gender difference, and communication, relationships expectations. That was the norm of the time, and it still seems to be in a lot of ways. Because generally speaking, when they show studies and they’ve talk about this. It seems that women tend to fall in love or know they are in love with their mate. Sooner and faster than a male does with her, and in fact [Laughs] this may scare some guys, usually within the first fifteen minutes to half hour on a date. A woman knows whether she ever going to see you again. Whether she wants to have establish anything with you. Even if she wants to have physical intimacy with you, and that’s all decided rather fast. Because women are really good at proceeding stuff, because they’re more intuitive. They’re in-tune with their emotions. They’re sensitive that way, and the problem is. That for a lot of women in the past. They would want the relationship. Where as the guy was like, “Okay, We’ll get around to the commitment eventually. One day we’ll get engaged. One day we’ll married.” and unfortunately when that day comes along or around, a lot of women traditionally would say, “You know what. I’ve been strung along for way too long. You can’t seem to commit. Weather it’s to me, or you want to spend more time with your guys friend than me.” and at that point there. She says, “It’s done. I’m done. I’m moving on.” and it’s at that point. The guy all of a sudden miraculously produces this wonderful engagement ring, and says, “No, no, no, let’s get married. I want to marry you.” and then a lot of times the women will say, “Hey, I can’t be bought. It’s too little, too late.” and that used to be the trend in the past. It still exist today, but what I’m

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finding and what we’re seeing today. Are women actually taking more of that assertive side. Where a lot of guys are falling head over heels first, and the women are saying, “You know what? I want my career first. We will see what happens.”

Jake:
Yeah, that explains the low birth rate, doesn’t it? [Laughs] Right there.

Peter:
Perhaps that’s what causes that! [Laughs]

Jake:
Yeah, it definitely does. That’s very interesting point, it really is. I think maybe guys are just sort of slow to come around the things. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen the girl moves out, and then the guy comes running back. So, what can we do to deal with that issue? That part of ourselves, that’s problematic, and overcome it.

Peter:
For guys I’ve always said this, “Treat your spouse. Your mate, Your girlfriend. Whoever you have in your life. As your best friend, because they are really your best friend. Unfortunately a lot of guys don’t see that partner as their best friend. They will say, “Well, Joe, Bob, Jim, all those other ones are my best friend. Cause it’s a guy thing.” But no! At the end of the day, really! Your mate is your best friend. In fact you’re probably telling her all the dirt and, knit and grit on even your “quote unquote” best guy friends the stuff that annoys you about them and you’re disclosing that to her because you trust her, and that’s the key thing, Jake. It’s all about trust, and your partner. She wants to hear that you trust her. That you can share this stuff with her, because you view her not only as your girlfriend or as your wife. And unfortunately in some. I’ve heard this, guys were out and they go, “I gotta get home to the wife. The ball’n’chain.” and I’m thinking, “Are you kidding me? You’ve never said it to her face, absolutely” I said that joke with them, but unfortunately even though you’re saying that. You’re saying what you’re thinking inside, and you can’t tell me that’s not being projected outward. You know, thoughts flow, energy goes, and that’s the kind of body language and words you’re putting out there, and she’s reading all this stuff. And a woman wants to be appreciate, just as a guy wants to be appreciate in a relationship. So, treat them as your equal. Show reciprocity in a a relationship. Where it’s equal given, take. Where you can give of what you’re capable of giving, and don’t be afraid to take back what your partner’s willing to give you.

Jake:
Good advice. Do you have any advice, Peter? On meeting that right person? On the initial stages?

Peter:
That’s a really interesting thing, I’ve always said, “Trust your gut.” Unfortunately too many people don’t go with their gut instincts. A lot of the times they try to over-think themselves, and unfortunately they based them on their previous histories of relationship, and that’s what they’re using. They’re using that thought process based on the past, and the past is the past. But unfortunately we carry emotions and thought connected to what had happens to us in the past, and thoughts are not as strong as emotions. Feelings are super charged and as soon as we start to think, say negative thoughts about somebody from the past or whatever, or how our relationship was. Our negative emotions that are connected to those. Magnify that, and then instantly, it’s capable of sending people that would really normally be interested in you. Scare the heck out of them and chase them off, or you purposely just chase them off because you’re worried about being hurt again. So, I always say, “Live in the present. Whomever you’re dating. Don’t compare them to the past. Because that’s not a fair thing. They were never a part of your past.” and I always say, “All you have is the present, and the present is a gif, and if you’re with somebody, and they wanna spend time with you. Look at them as a gift, that’s what a present is.”

Jake:
Good stuff. Peter give out your website.

Peter:
Yeah! My website is petersacco.com/ and actually I have free eBooks on their right now. If you want to go check them out and one is actually that looks at internet dating, which is in my free eBook called Technological Rage.

Jake:
Excellent, good stuff. Peter any closing thought you wanna leave our listeners with?

Peter:
You know what? Anybody listening I always say, “At the end of the day. You take you wherever you go.” So, if you wanna be authentic and real. Take your real self with you, and if you’re going to be deceitful. Not only to others but even yourself. You’re only deceiving yourself, and you’re still taking that part with you, and the results will show at the end of the day. How basically what and how you treat yourself and think of about yourself and others is what’s going to show up in your life. So, be your best self and be honest to yourself and others.

Jake:
Great advice. Peter Sacco thank you so much for joining us today.

Peter:
Thanks so much for having me, Jake. I appreciate it very much.

Outro:
This show is produce by the Hartman Media company, all right reserved. For publication rights and media interviews, please visit www.hartmanmedia.com or email media@hartmanmedia.com. This show is for entertainment purposes only, and should not be considered personal or professional advice. Please consult an appropriate professional, if you require individualized advice. Opinions of guests are their own and the host is acting on behalf of the Hartman Media company company, exclusively.

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